Yeah, this is me. Your mileage may vary. ADD is a spectrum disorder, which means some people might not even know they have it, and others will never do well at supporting or caring for themselves. It rarely travels alone, so you\u2019ll find a lot of ADDers who are depressed or bipolar, have dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyscalcula, or even autism spectrum disorder. It\u2019s also a collection of symptoms that are divided into hyperactivity, inattention, and impulsivity. You need to have at least six of the symptoms in two or more of the categories, and it has to be disabling in two or more environments. Depending on the distribution, you can be ADHD (hyperactive), ADD-PI (primarily inattentive) or ADD-C (combined \u2013 neither primarily hyperactive nor primarily inattentive.) So we\u2019re not all the same, but no matter what, it\u2019s no walk in the park.<\/p>\n
Children nowadays get diagnosed early enough that they can be helped behaviorally and\/or pharmaceutically, but most of us in the over-30 age group made a lot of mistakes, failed at tons of things, lost friends and spouses and jobs, and couldn\u2019t figure out why or how to stop doing it all over again. Because when we were young, if we were diagnosed at all, the whole of the problem was being hyperactive, and the accepted wisdom was that we\u2019d outgrow it. All the other stuff that we now know is integral to ADD, for us, was character flaws. Lots of emotional baggage. So it\u2019s a good thing to know how and why you\u2019re different so you can figure out what you can and can\u2019t change, and stop beating yourself up when you fail at trying to change that second one all the time.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s really hard to explain what it\u2019s like to live with an ADD brain for a lot of reasons. If you have ADD, you lose count of all the times you\u2019ve tried and been told things like \u201coh, everyone loses their keys,\u201d or \u201cthat\u2019s just an excuse for being lazy.\u201d If you live with someone who has ADD, it can drive you nuts when it seems like you\u2019re speaking a different language to each other and everything\u2019s in constant chaos. <\/p>\n
So I\u2019m going to explain what it\u2019s like for me, and a few things that make it easier to be like me or live with someone like me. More below the fold.<\/p>\n
1. Brain Chatter!<\/p>\n
There is no such thing as silence. I am thinking a minimum of three different trains of thought simultaneously, along with at least one repetitive loop of music. These trains don\u2019t stay on track, either. I\u2019m trying to organize my day or remember what I\u2019m supposed to get done, but I\u2019m also reliving a 10 year old argument as if I had won it instead of saying the stupid thing I actually said, designing a craft project like one I just saw somewhere, trying to remember what I was doing the last time I saw something I lost, replaying a scene from a movie I saw last night, thinking about what I would say to someone the next time I saw her, and so on. They\u2019re all at the same volume, and I can\u2019t turn the knobs. Just when I think I have a handle on which one is the most important, another thought butts in and screams \u201cme! Me!!!!!\u201d<\/p>\n
So what does this mean in real life? <\/p>\n
For one thing, it\u2019s so hard to capture that one elusive important thought that I hate being interrupted. I might even go ballistic if the thought was particularly elusive or important, because finding it again is darned near impossible. Imagine you drove to seven different stores in two days to find one unique screw to fix something that you needed to finish an important job. Finally! You go to get the screwdriver, and come back to find that someone threw the screw into the back of the junk drawer with all the other miscellaneous screws. They all look the same, so you\u2019re going to have to try them one at a time now until you find the one you already spent so much time looking for. It\u2019s like that. I\u2019ve learned, and taught my family, that when I hold up one finger and don\u2019t make eye contact, it means I have a tentative hold on a thought, and they need to wait until I\u2019ve grabbed onto it good and tight (or written it down!)<\/p>\n
Along the same lines, and ironically as well, I do a lot of interrupting. It\u2019s caused by the same thing. Thoughts are so jumbled up and fast-moving that if I think of something, I have to speak it while it\u2019s in my head, or it may be gone forever. Sometimes it\u2019s urgent, sometimes I\u2019m using other people like post-it notes (I\u2019m telling you so that you can remember when I forget) but I\u2019m not doing it to annoy anyone, and I\u2019m not doing it because I\u2019m inconsiderate or ill-mannered. It\u2019s either say it now or risk not remembering it when I need to. That sense of urgency doesn\u2019t limit itself to important things alone, though. Saying it while I\u2019m thinking of it is such an important coping tool that it carries over everywhere. One of the benefits of the right medication, for me, is that I\u2019m better able to distinguish between thoughts that need immediate expression and those I can hold off on until there\u2019s a conversational break. I still have to say the important stuff right away, though \u2013 medication doesn\u2019t make it any easier to find elusive thoughts. Letting people know this helps me be a little less annoying to them.<\/p>\n
2. Variations in Focus<\/p>\n
\u201cAttention Deficit\u201d is really a misnomer. I pay attention to more things in an hour than most people do in a week. I just don\u2019t get to choose what I can pay attention to. You might see me standing and staring into space because I\u2019m totally absorbed in a particularly engaging thought. On the other hand, I might look lost in thought but actually be lost among a forest of thoughts. Whether I\u2019m absorbed in one or overwhelmed by many, my attention is completely inward. I might not be staring, either. I might be working feverishly on something, or talking through a problem or idea (it may seem like we\u2019re both talking about it, but really, I\u2019m working alone. . .) but I\u2019m still not in the real world at that moment.<\/p>\n
It goes beyond being odd and into driving everyone around me nuts, though, when you try to engage me. You\u2019ll say something to me, and maybe I won\u2019t respond. I won\u2019t look up, or stop talking, or whatever, and if I do somehow manage to respond to you, my response will likely be inappropriate. It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t want to listen to you or pay attention to you, but when I\u2019m stuck in this mode of focus, I simply can\u2019t snap out of it. Sometimes I\u2019m so completely unaware of what\u2019s going on around me, I\u2019m not even aware of hunger or pain or a full bladder, so if you just start talking, I won\u2019t pick up on it. If you have to deal with this all the time, and you don\u2019t understand that it\u2019s not intentional or controllable, you\u2019re going to get pretty tired of it. Believe me, I don\u2019t like hearing \u201cYou never listen to me!\u201d any more than you like to say it.<\/p>\n
Again, setting up some kind of a signal is helpful to everyone. For me, sounds are very, very not good. If you start talking to me before I can see you, my startle reflex kicks in, big-time. You\u2019ll get my attention, but I won\u2019t be listening because I\u2019m in fight or flight mode. I might look up when you move into my field of vision, you may have to wave or try looking into my face after you\u2019re in range, but if you make sure that I\u2019ve stopped thinkingthinkingthinking and am looking at you before you start talking, I\u2019ll be listening. Just to be fair, if you want some kind of signal to let me know that you\u2019re ready to listen, I\u2019ll work hard to remember it. If we agreed beforehand and I forget, I won\u2019t get upset about you reminding me what we agreed on.<\/p>\n
3. Sensory and Sleep issues<\/p>\n
Not everyone has these, but very few people with ADD don\u2019t have at least one. You know how uncomfortable a wool sweater or its itchy tag can be? Imagine how much worse it would be if you had to wear it while chained to a wall in a three foot square room that was heated to 80 degrees. Sensory overload is frequently easily triggered when you have ADD. It may be related to only one sense, it might even be limited to only one or two triggers within that sense, but when it comes to that thing, there\u2019s no such thing as mild discomfort. Certain sounds can drive me stark raving mad. Ask my husband or any of my former roommates. It\u2019s not pretty. Clothing that fits slightly differently on one side from the other, and wrinkled fabric against my skin is intolerable. Confronted with these, I\u2019m incapable of ignoring them, and simply can\u2019t function or even think of anything but the discomfort they cause me.<\/p>\n
Sleep is difficult enough when you have a brain that never stops. It\u2019s like trying to fall asleep in a sports bar. Throw in a difficult sensory issue, and sometimes you\u2019re lucky if you sleep at all. I\u2019ve been an insomniac from day one. I got thrown out of a dance class when I was eight because I couldn\u2019t stop yawning, and the teacher was insulted by my \u201cboredom.\u201d While I don\u2019t have any visual issues, I\u2019m extremely sensitive to changes in light. So I lie down to sleep, and my brain takes advantage of the quiet and dark to shift into hyperdrive. Throw in someone talking or music playing, or someone nearby snoring or breathing loudly, and that\u2019s it for me. That is, of course, after I\u2019ve finally managed to get my nightclothes, sheets, and covers arranged so nothing feels uneven. If a light manages to show through a curtain or around a door, it\u2019s just the ultimate proof that the universe is plotting against me.<\/p>\n
So I have to have a fan going to provide white noise. I\u2019m going to flop around until nothing touching me feels too much different from my right side to my left. I wear a stretchy headband like a blindfold so I can\u2019t see any light. I need to take a pill, and it\u2019s best if I go to bed first so I don\u2019t get pissy that everyone else laid down and fell asleep like it was easy. It\u2019s a pain to put up with sleeping in the same room with me when everything has to be so particular, but it\u2019s probably better than dealing with me after a week of 2-4 hours\u2019 sleep a night. It\u2019s no picnic for me, either.<\/p>\n
4. Clutter and Organization<\/p>\n
This is a really paradoxical thing. Clutter makes me nuts \u2013 it\u2019s visually distracting, it adds to my tendency to lose everything I need, and creates even more anxiety about my time-management difficulties. However, it\u2019s natural for me to clutter, because I have so many things going at once that I\u2019ll put things down instead of putting them away, or start doing something and stop before it\u2019s done (time management here, too, since I\u2019ll start something without any idea how long it\u2019s going to take relative to the time I have to do it) and leave it without cleaning up (because maybe this time I\u2019ll remember to go back and finish it. . .) This is something that has gotten worse with age as I\u2019ve added more living space, more family members, and more responsibilities to keep track of. When I was a kid at home, my room was the neatest in the house, because it was easy to keep order in one room with fewer responsibilities and only myself to keep track of.<\/p>\n
I really crave order. In fact, a lot of messes I make come from my endless organizing projects. I can spend days taking everything out of an area, setting up the storage, and putting things back in a sensible, neat system, only to come home with some new things I didn\u2019t leave space for, or start using the things, get interrupted before I\u2019m done with them, and leave them spread out all over rather than putting them away. I know it drives you nuts, but believe me, it\u2019s worse for me. I want it to be neat just as much as you do, but I have the added frustration of knowing darn well that it\u2019s all my fault \u2013 and that it\u2019s yet another example of how I fail as a human being. No matter how hard I try, I keep doing the same thing over and over, because the part of my brain that controls it just doesn\u2019t work right.<\/p>\n
At the same time, sometimes there are pockets of successful organization. Here and there, they\u2019ll make sense to you, too, which really helps in the grand scheme of things. I\u2019ve found that things that can be stored in the same size and shape containers and be alphabetized are particularly successful for me. My spices take up two kitchen shelves because I\u2019m a foodie, but I rigged up a raised circular center on a couple of lazy susans so the label on the bottles in the center are readable above the tops of the bottles on the edge, bought enough identical bottles to hold them all, and arranged them alphabetically. CDs work the same way. Once we had enough of the right size shelf in the same place, and got them alphabetical by artist name, they\u2019ve stayed neat, and there was enough space to add more, which has kept them that way. <\/p>\n
That\u2019s where it stops making sense to the rest of the family. I\u2019ll do something like put quinoa on the really crowded shelf, and someone will move it to a shelf where there\u2019s room for it so they can get to the rice. They won\u2019t put it back, because it makes sense to them to put it where there\u2019s space for it. They can leave it front and center of the other shelf, and I won\u2019t be able to find it to save my life, because I put it on the \u201cgrain\u201d shelf, and since it\u2019s not a pasta, I can\u2019t even conceive of it being on the pasta shelf. I\u2019ll look in the fridge and cabinets to make a shopping list and come home with a jar of mustard that we already have because someone moved it to a shelf where it fit, instead of where it was jammed in tight with the other mustards, but my eye goes only to the space where the other mustards are. In my mind, all the mustards have to be together, so if it\u2019s not there, it doesn\u2019t occur to me that it could be somewhere else.<\/p>\n
Because I make it so complicated for myself, \u201ccleaning up\u201d is sometimes a really mentally daunting task. The mess may have too many \u201ccategories\u201d to organize. My distorted sense of time tells me I can\u2019t possibly do it in the 7 hours I have until whatever is coming in 7 hours. Just looking at the mess, much less cleaning it, reminds me of what a failure I am because I created it and let it get to this point. The fear that I\u2019ll get interrupted at the point where it\u2019s even more of a mess and not be able to get back and finish it is so strong that I need an incredible burst of willpower to even think of starting it. <\/p>\n
I\u2019m afraid to ask for help, because I don\u2019t trust myself to make sure it\u2019s finished, even with help. I\u2019m afraid that it\u2019ll be done \u201cwrong\u201d somehow and I\u2019ll have to wait for my helper to be out of the way and undo and redo it. I\u2019m afraid that when (not if) I mess it up again, the person who helped me is going to be angry with me. <\/p>\n
I want things to be neat. I want things to be neat. I desperately crave an orderly, organized environment. I just don\u2019t possess the executive function or attentiveness to do it. <\/p>\n
5. Associative Memory<\/p>\n
This is the ADD version of mnemonics. It will make no sense to you. It doesn\u2019t make a lot of sense to me, either, but it works either really well or almost not at all. As I said earlier, I\u2019m paying attention to a ton of stuff. My stimulus-craving brain is both consciously and unconsciously absorbing information like a sponge. Everything gets filed away, but the filing system is both convoluted and specific.<\/p>\n
I can see a color I like, and it will remind me immediately of other things that are that same color, one of those things will remind me of the place where I saw it, which will remind me of where I was living at the time, which will remind me of a party I gave there, which will remind me of someone who lived in the building who came to the party, which will remind me that I ran into her on the street several months ago and she told me she had gotten married last year. (I\u2019m also simultaneously remembering a couple of other memories the color triggered, just to let you know.)<\/p>\n
What I say to you is \u201cThat car is a fabulous color! Hey, did I tell you that Phyllis got married?\u201d<\/p>\n
This works great at parties, because people are always saying things that in this winding, twisty, but extremely rapid process bring back funny jokes and interesting stories I\u2019d completely forgotten until just that moment.<\/p>\n
In reverse, it\u2019s not so good. If I were to map out these memory paths, it would look a lot like a few hundred drunken spiders\u2019 webs in a small box. I lose words and names all the time because the search begins with \u201cit starts with the letter. . .\u201d I have a huge vocabulary and know a lot of people, so this doesn\u2019t help much at all at narrowing it down. With names, the mental path is a lot shorter, and you might know the person about whom I\u2019m thinking, so if you make suggestions while I\u2019m trying to remember, you might just hit the right one. With words, though. . .oh, man, just be patient. I\u2019ll say \u201cIt means this and it starts with this letter,\u201d and that\u2019s how I\u2019m trying to trigger my brain to find the right pathway. When you start suggesting other words, not only are you pushing me away from the pathway I\u2019m seeking, but you open up new ones. All you\u2019re saying is \u201cerudite?\u201d but my brain takes that and runs with it. . .erudite. . .Bob from college. . .Dungeons and Dragons in the Student Center. . .that weird couple that showed up in costume to play. . .they played that assassin LARP. . .Photon in Kenilworth was fun. . .the guy I dated from there was such a jerk. . .<\/p>\n
And it\u2019s gone. If I do remember it, it\u2019ll be when I wake up sometime in the middle of the night.<\/p>\n
When I\u2019m with friends or family talking about something that happened in the past that we shared, I\u2019ll have absolutely no recall of it until someone says something that reminds me of something that puts me on the right memory path. If that memory path branches off, they need to remind me of something else. This process repeats until either the memory pops into my head in full-screen living color, or we just have to give up. If the associations that lead to the memory are few, or the associations at the beginning of the memory path are too numerous, it\u2019ll be next to impossible to access the memory I\u2019m looking for.<\/p>\n
If you have a loved one with ADD, this is kind of important to know. Your ADDer might not even be able to express that his or her memory works like this, but will read this and have an \u201caha!\u201d moment. You need to talk about how to tell when to try to help him\/her remember, and when to wait until he\/she figures it out.<\/p>\n
6. It only looks like OCD<\/p>\n
There are a lot of routines I\u2019ve developed that might look like obsessive-compulsive behaviors to an observer. Some people who have ADD have OCD as well, but that doesn\u2019t mean we all do. For those of us who don\u2019t, it\u2019s really just another type of mnemonic. We create routines for certain things to compensate for our distractability and memory problems. It\u2019s taken me more than 30 years to learn to put my glasses in a specific place so I can find them again. I do everything in the same order when I shower, because if I don\u2019t, I step out with conditioner still in my hair or only one leg shaved or something like that. I struggle with the idea of washing the kitchen floor without having washed the cabinet fronts first, because the \u201crule\u201d is to clean from the top down. I need the routines so I don\u2019t forget to do things, and it\u2019s pretty much a guarantee that if the routine is interrupted, the things that fall after that interruption on the list don\u2019t get done (except cleaning the cat boxes \u2013 smell is an excellent reminder!) When it works, it\u2019s great, but because it\u2019s a set pattern, it\u2019s hard to be flexible. It\u2019s another memory path, but a reliable one. However, as a memory path, it relies on those associations. Break one, and the rest of the path gets completely lost.<\/p>\n
7. Self-esteem<\/p>\n
A popular misconception is that people with ADD are all intelligent and creative. In reality, we\u2019re just as likely to be intelligent and\/or creative as everyone else in the world who doesn\u2019t have ADD. The problem is, though, that regardless of whatever strengths we may have, the people around us have criticized us for not living up to our potential our entire lives. If you are creative or intelligent, the disparity between your potential and your achievements is even more obvious. No matter how hard you work or how well you think you did, there\u2019s always someone telling you how much better you could have done if only you had tried harder.<\/p>\n
Well, we try harder than you could possibly imagine. Something that doesn\u2019t interest us (or doesn\u2019t trigger an association with something that interests us) is painfully difficult to focus on. Our brains crave constant stimulation, and if we\u2019re not getting it, they create their own. If you\u2019re doing homework in a subject that gives you difficulty, or performing a boring task, your brain gets busier and busier to make up for the lack of stimulation. That makes it even harder to concentrate on the task at hand. You find yourself stopping or even walking away without conscious realization, to think about or do something that\u2019s more interesting, and have to wrestle yourself away from it and start the task again \u2013 sometimes not from where you left off, but all the way back to the beginning.<\/p>\n
Homework your non-ADD sibling finished in half an hour can take you four. Doing something dull at work takes so much time that other important tasks don\u2019t get done. You put things off until the 11th hour because the pressure of a deadline is absolutely the only thing that will allow you to focus exclusively.<\/p>\n
As bad as it is to be told regularly that you\u2019ve fallen short, hearing \u201cif you only tried harder\u201d after you\u2019ve put in a monumental, time-consuming effort to get something done is devastating. I was up until 2AM for three days trying to get this done. . .how much harder am I supposed to try?<\/p>\n
If you do have a particular aptitude, one of the few ways to actually develop it is to focus on it exclusively. If you can spend hours of uninterrupted time researching, trying new ideas and methods, making mistakes and learning from them, you can accomplish great things. However, the world doesn\u2019t work like that. We learn by doing, which takes a lot more time than learning by being taught. Real life takes out huge chunks of that learning time, and breaks it into pieces that are sometimes so small that they\u2019re useless. We could live up to our potential if we were allowed to decide for ourselves what that is and have the time to work towards it. When our potential is determined by other people and our time is scheduled from outside, it guarantees that we\u2019ll never live up to expectations.<\/p>\n
We try hard and are told we need to try harder. We think we do something well and are told we could do better. We need to sit still and concentrate. We need to stop saying everything that pops into our heads. We\u2019d be able to find what we needed if we just put it where it belongs. This or that is so easy, why don\u2019t you remember it? Could you try being on time for once? You\u2019re such a slob! You need to learn to prioritize! I\u2019ve asked you three times already! You spend hours doing such-and-such, why can\u2019t you take five minutes to do what you\u2019re supposed to? Why don\u2019t you pay attention for once?<\/p>\n
The things for which we\u2019re criticized are the very things that are integral to having ADD. We try very hard to change them, but we simply can\u2019t because it\u2019s contrary to the structure and function of our brains. Each time we hear these admonitions, each time we try and fail to change, each thing that simply reinforces our feeling that we just can\u2019t do anything right, chips away at our self-esteem. Decades later, we don\u2019t like ourselves all that much, and sometimes end up not doing anything well.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s why it\u2019s important to understand what ADD is and how it affects the individual who has it. If you\u2019re the ADDer, you can get a handle on what things you can change, and what you can\u2019t, and focus on developing working skills and strategies instead of trying and failing one thing after another. If you have an ADDer in your life, understanding how it affects your loved one can lessen your frustration, improve communication, and find ways to work together to reach the best realistic outcomes.<\/p>\n