The myth. . .the legend!

I had an epiphany in therapy yesterday.  Part of the reason for my depression, for my need to medicate myself, came from wanting to be normal.  Along with not caring so much what people say and allowing that to prevent me from speaking my mind, getting older has led to the thought that. . .Hey!  I’m not normal!  I have ADD!  No matter how many medications I take or how much therapy I go through, them’s the facts!  Deal with it.  I’ll function as best I can, but I’m not going to be like everyone else.  And I’m going to stop beating myself up about it.  Fact:  I’m going to forget things easily.  Fact:  I’m going to be easily distracted and leave a wake of partially-finished stuff everywhere I go.  Fact:  I’m not ever going to think linearly.  Fact:  My house is not going to be as clean, my desk and other work areas are not going to be as organized, I’m going to forget names, need reminding of dates and appointments, and have wild swings in mood and energy, and IT’S NOT MY FAULT!!!  It’s hard-wired into my brain, and while I’ll work on coping skills, if I mess up, I’m not going to beat myself up.  No more thinking I’m a failure when I forget my shopping list.  No more wishing I was more like this person or that person. 

The interesting thing is, I’m off my Paxil – and last time, I couldn’t stand the zaps (the sudden overwhelming bursts of dizziness that come with SSRI withdrawal, for those who don’t know.) this time I’m kind of having a fun time with them.  It’s like my brain is playing Pong in hyperspace.  I’m going to avoid driving until they’re gone, try to sneak in a bit more sleep, and I know they’ll be over and done with in a few days.  I’m looking forward to those bursts of intensity where I get so involved in something that I need to set an alarm to remind me when to stop.  I’m realizing that the key to dealing with the ADD and avoiding the depression is to just go with it, and to keep things simple.  Lower the expectations that are imposed from outside, anyway.  Anything that has to get done, if it really has to get done, will get done.  And if things are still left on lists, well, that’s what lists are for.  I’m looking forward to the first time I realize, truly and deeply, that I didn’t do something as well as someone without ADD, or I forgot something inanely simple, and I shrug my shoulders and go on. When I understand that it’s not a character flaw or an indication of my failure as a person, just me being me.  Because I’m looking forward to it, I know it’s going to happen.  And I may even remember to write it here!  Woohoo!